The Douchening

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For the next couple of days I will be going through a process I do every two to three years that I call The Douchening. It's just a process of cleansing out every area of your life. People tend to get on a roll when they start eliminating things. If you've ever watched Hoarders you'll see this phenomenon. At the beginning of the episode some sloppy nut-job will be pitching a fit because her therapist tries to get her to throw out an empty, crushed raisin box, but by the end of the show they (sometimes) get in the zone and are able to clear out huge amounts of stuff. 

I've found you can build this momentum in your personal life too. You start The Douchening by cleaning out your closets, your junk drawer, your hard-drive, your facebook friends; and then you build on that and eventually you're disposing of bad-habits, grievances, and unfulfilling relationships. I think you can kind of trick your brain a little. It's like, "Should I do meth today? Oh, right, I tossed out that meth habit along with those beanie babies and everything else during The Douchening." 

More on this when I launch my lifestyle and productivity blog, Splooge.

Bad ideas

I have a draft in my gmail that I dump every dumb thought I have into. It grows to a list 1000s of items long. Eventually I sort through them and remove 99% of them which are moronic. Here are some of the dumber ones I purged today. Most I have zero recollection of making note of and often I don't even know what the fuck I'm going on about.

  • Mirrored sunglasses that are also mirrored on the inside for practicing for staring contests
  • Neck Brace that looks like a scarf
  • Solar powered vibrator
  • A large, lightweight netting that you put down in your backyard at the beginning of autumn. All the leaves fall on it and then you just drag them to the curb for pick-up. No raking. Product called: Leaf Me Alone.
  • Corncob crack-pipe 
  • It would be funny to tell someone you've invented a machine that records dreams. Hook him up to a bunch of wires and stuff and have him go to sleep. In the morning you play him the video of "his dream" and it's a video you shot through the window of his mom masturbating.
  • A doorbell that makes a knocking sound [huh?]
  • Quarter Loafers, (penny loafers for rich people)
  • Dump a bunch of ranch dressing into the soil of your vegetable garden and see if the vegetables that grow there taste better
  • A disposable cardboard nightstand for camping called One Night Stand.