9 Hot New Looks for Today's Professional Magician

In Monday’s post I was bemoaning how today’s professional magicians have no distinct look. If you go to youtube and look at late-night talk show appearances by magicians in recent years, everyone is just wearing a normal suit or a t-shirt or something. Nothing that stands out. Nothing distinctive.

If nothing else, today’s professional magicians are missing out on a tremendous branding opportunity by being so bland. Mac King is a very entertaining performer. He’s got a super simple name to remember. But I guarantee you when he appears on a tv screen, what people remember is, “Oh yes, this is the guy who dresses like great-Aunt Irene’s sofa. I like this guy.”

Max Maven’s widow’s peek, Penn and Teller’s matching suits, Doug Henning’s hippy bullshit, Roy Horn’s shirts unbuttoned to his scrotum-sack…

These people knew what they were doing.

I know what you’re saying. “Andy, it’s hard to come up with a signature style.” No problem. Here are nine ideas to get you started. Take one and run with it. Free of charge.

1. Big Black Horned-Rim Glasses

This is for a mentalist. When you remove your glasses, it’s revealed you have an equally thick pair of black framed glasses tattooed on your face. This is a subtle commentary on the intensity of your “visions.”

Also wear a Ben Gordon Chicago Bulls jersey.

2. Insert a glass butt-plug with a large crystal ball on the non-business end. Then, when it’s time to perform your mentalism, you pull your pants down and get in this position and proceed to read their minds while gazing into the crystal ball.

If anyone complains about you being naked and having an anal toy in your ass at the Boy Scout Jamboree, you say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess you’re the expert on reading the future now. Well, go ahead, the floor is yours.”

3. Wear this shirt

And before every performance clarify that you are, in fact, a magician. You misunderstood the shirt when you originally got it. You bought this shirt during a rough time in your life when you were “really messed up” on fentanyl and “the devil’s lettuce.” Never say marijuana, only say “the devil’s lettuce.” Continue to preach about the dangers of the devil’s lettuce until the audience is saying to themselves, “Wait… didn’t he mention fentanyl too? That seems to be the bigger problem.”

End your speech by saying, “Now I liked to get high on… the art of illusion!”

4. Knock all your teeth out and replace them with with white Lifesavers so you have weird circular teeth with holes in the middle. Once you become famous, thread sour gummi worms through the Lifesavers and tell everyone you “got braces.”

5. A lot of people might say that Steve Brooks’ look of a fedora, bow-tie, and suspenders was some real desperate over-accessorizing.

Actually, they’re wrong. Steve didn’t go far enough. You should take it to the next level and get totally dripped out by adding a black-power hair pick, year 2000 glasses, and a button that says, “That’s what she said.”

6. Vanishing Inc. Branded merchandise.

This option has a couple things going for it.

First, it’s very easy to obtain, you can order it online right here.

Second, you will have a unique look because no other human would ever wear this.

7. Look, you’re lazy and unoriginal. So why not just take a tip from the master and steal Max Maven’s style. It’s worked for others…

But put a fun twist on it and do it with your pubic hair.

8. First, take a dump in all of your pants, leaving a nice brown skid-mark.

Next, change your name to Mark Skidmore. This is what’s known as a “cohesive branding strategy.”

Most business advice for magicians is pretty weak. “When you reveal the card, hold it up near your face so people associate your face with the magic.” Or, “On your last trick tell everyone to stand up and applaud if they were fooled. It’s an automatic standing ovation.” That’s all idiotic. But this is solid business advice.

When you show up on Fallon with a brown turd spread down the back of your trousers and people start saying to each other, “Hey, it’s that magician we liked that we saw on Ellen. I remember his name clearly. Yes… I could never forget it. That’s noted magician, Mark Skidmore.” Then you’ll know the power of an integrated brand and style.

9. Shit… I don’t know. All white contacts, hand-knitted fingerless unicorn gloves, and this t-shirt. It can’t possibly be any worse than the style choices you’re making now.