Puff of Smoke

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I’ve shared a lot of unpopular opinions on this site:

  • The Expert at the Card Table sucks.

  • No real humans have ever enjoyed a cups and balls or linking ring routine. At least in so much as they never think of it again the moment it’s over.

  • I think Houdini was probably a fucking moron.

Now it’s time for me to share a new piping-hot take…

Look, will smoking kill you?

Almost certainly.

But not that fast. Especially given what you’re doing.

I mean, imagine you had never heard of smoking and someone explained it to you…

“It’s a little paper tube filled with dried plant leaves and chemical additives, and you put it in your mouth. Then you light it on fire, and you suck the toxic smoke into your lungs.”

If they described that, then asked you how long smoking would take to kill you, you’d say, “I don’t know… a minute?”

Like, the fact you can get away with doing it 40 times a day for decades is actually pretty astounding.

Here’s why I want to bring back cigarette magic…

First, I feel like cigarettes themselves are due for a comeback. Sure, it will never be the 1950s again, when there would be a slot in your school lunch tray specifically for cigarettes. But I think there will be a rebound in cigarette usage. And when that happens, you’ll be on the vanguard.

But the main reason I want cigarette magic to make a comeback is that there have been huge advancements in magic methodology in the past couple of decades, at exactly the same time cigarettes were going out of fashion. The group-mind of magicians is more powerful than it’s ever been, and we haven’t turned that towards cigarette magic yet. C’mon, let’s just give it a shot for the next few years. I think we could come up with some cool shit.

I’m not suggesting the Tom Mullica type of thing where you swallow a pack of cigarettes. His routine was amazing, but disgusting.

I think you should lean into the intimate, semi-sexy nature of smoking. Cigarettes are pretty much the only thing used in magic that have that element to it. The smoke, the warm glow, huddling together in the cold with another person, wrapping your lips around something, the fact that you’re slowly killing yourself. That’s sexy shit. What else in magic offers so much seductive potential? You ever try dangling a hot rod from your lip? You look like a motherfucking imbecile!

The best thing you can do with a cigarette, in my opinion, is use a cigarette pull to make it vanish. This is so strong. When I hung around smokers more regularly, I would have a cigarette pull always installed in one of my jackets. I think making a coin completely vanish is a pretty beautiful moment. But a cigarette is even better. It’s bigger. Smoke is coming from it. And it’s on fire. It doesn’t seem like the sort of thing you should be able to manipulate.

I would usually ask for a drag, take their cigarette, ask if they wanted to see something cool, inhale, put the cigarette in my fist, blow the smoke on my fist, and open it to reveal the cigarette was gone. Always great reactions. Once in a blue moon, someone would get angry that their cigarette was gone, so I’d say, “I made it go back in time. It’s back in your cigarette pack.” Unless they knew exactly how many cigarettes were in their pack, they couldn’t get too mad at me, because maybe I really did what I said. It definitely vanished, after all.

Some cigarette tricks I’d like to see:

  1. You take your friend’s cigarette which is nearly burned down to the butt, and you pull it in a way that the cigarette regenerates to its original state.

  2. When your friend takes out a cigarette, you ask for one too. When he lights his up, you stop him for a moment. He has a lit cigarette in his mouth, you have an unlit one in yours. You bring your hands up and cup your cigarette. When you remove them, your cigarette is lit, and his is now out. So it’s like they changed places.

To show my commitment to this cause, I am launching the following campaign…

The Jerx Fund to Supply Cigarettes to All the Kids at Tannen’s Magic Camp

In the summer of 2025, I will cut a check to Tannen’s to buy a pack of cigarettes for every camper at Tannen’s Magic Camp. People will claim I’m “too generous.” But really I just love magic that much and I’m thankful to have finally found a charitable cause I can get behind 100%. My Cigarettes For Campers (aka “Smoke and Minors”) initiative will now be the primary recipient of my charitable donations.

You’re welcome.

✿✿✿

(Note: I’m actually mostly serious about this post.)