Handling Hecklers The Jerx Way

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I hope everyone is having fun at Magic LIVE. I was asked to speak there but had another engagement. Here is part of the lecture I would have given.

How to Deftly Handle Hecklers The Jerx Way

"Thank you. Thank you. Please, please, stop your thunderous applause. Please. I only have 15 minutes. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow. What a great crowd we have here tonight. I see Joshua Jay in the audience. And there's David Penn. And here we have Jeff McBride. Incredible. For magicians, this place is a real Who's Who of the industry. For non-magicians, this place is a real Who's That of the industry. No, no. I kid, I kid. But seriously, how does it feel that Rick Lax has 50 million more hits on his latest Facebook video than you've had on all your social media combined?

And here's a transcript of his video:

I want you to think of a common four-legged house-pet. Like a cat. But not a cat, because I just said that. Lock in your answer by hitting the like button. (Don't question the technology, that's just how it works.) Are you thinking of a dog? KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD!

That guy is more famous than you. That, I'm afraid, is a scientific fact. 

But I tease you because I love you. 

Today I'd like to talk about a subject that's very important to magicians, if the number of times it has been brought up on the Magic Cafe is any evidence. And that is the question of how to handle hecklers. 

Ma'am, would you assist me and heckle me as I perform this next trick? This will help me demonstrate The Jerx Way to deal with hecklers. Just let me get a line or two into the performance.

Say there, do you know how a deck of cards is like a calendar? Well, it's not really, but it's the only premise I've got-

[Woman] Boo. You aren't very good.

FUCK OFF, YOU UGLY CUNT! 

You see what I did there? I took control of the situation and I demonstrated that my position is one of higher value. It's subtle, but it works.

Let's try it again. Sir, would you help me out and play a heckler? Just say something like, 'I know how this one is done.'

[Man] I know how this one is done.

You know... it seems like you really like opening that mouth of yours. You open it again and I'm going to fill it with something. You hear me? It's rock hard and 8 inches long. It's either going to be my cock, or the barrel of my Colt Python .357 Magnum? Got it? It's your choice. Either way you're getting a hot load down your throat if you don't keep your mouth shut, you fucking inbred.

Now this is the type of line that's really going to make your heckler think. And if you can get them to really contemplate your art they will be much less likely to demean it with rude comments.

One last time. Sir, would you just say, 'It's in your other hand.'

[Man] It's in your other hand.

OKAY, THAT'S IT, YOU COCKSUCKING PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE! Ring-Ring! Ring-Ring! [mime answering a phone] 'Hello? Who's this?' Oh, it's my ballsack calling. 'Yes? Okay, I'll tell him.' It says you better be ready to straight gargle my nuts if you can't keep your trap shut for another 10 minutes while I do my show. Do we have an understanding? For your sake you better keep that mouth shut tight. If you make any sound—if you so much as hiccup—you better lock your doors tonight, motherfucker, because I will give up magic, and my new hobby will be hunting you down, tying each of your buttcheeks to a clydesdale like the jeans in the fucking Levi's logo, and having them pull your asshole apart until I can fit my skull in there. Then I'll wear you around on my head like you're a goddamn Kentucky Derby hat, so everyone can see what happens to people who interrupt my show.

A line like this will have people say, "Gee... I thought I was helping the show with my interjections, but... what if I'm not?" And isn't that the insight we hope they walk away with?

That's all my time. Thank you for your attention. You've been a great audience. And remember, with MAGIC Magazine shutting down, and Genii moving all of its content distribution to Snapchat, The Jerx is your #1 source for articles about the important issues that face todays performer. Read it every day as part of a complete breakfast."