A Ranking of the 1991 Genii Magazine Coverboys Based On How Much I Want To Party With Them
/Not every issue in 1991 featured an individual on the cover, but of those that did, these are the order in which I’d want to party with them.
#9 - John Fisher
Quite possibly the laziest magazine cover in the history of print.
This guy’s a magician? It looks like he’s cosplaying as a mid-grade insurance executive.
No, I don’t want to hang with this dude. He seems like the type of guy whose idea of a party is inviting you over to watch a documentary on the Parliament.
No thanks. Next!
#8 - Lance Burton
Lance Burton—seen here in his peak “magician as gentle vampire” era—doesn’t strike me as someone I’d want to party with. He looks like he’d rather recite Byron than funnel a beer.
But the goddess in the gauzy nightgown and white thong? She’s absolutely my speed. Please get her my number.
#7 - Stewart James
I honestly don’t know what is going on here. At first glance, I thought it was a simple image of the crypt-keeper signing a bible. But I guess that’s Stewart James?
But who’s the other octogenarian in the back? The one being attacked by (or dancing with) a bird of every color of the gay pride flag? I don’t want to party with Stewart. But the guy in the back seems fun.
#6 - Steve Spill
In reality, I get the sense I’d genuinely enjoy hanging out with Steve Spill. But judging strictly by this cover? No thanks. This all-grey aesthetic is a full-blown portrait in depression.
Honestly, it looks like the final photoshoot a disillusioned Men’s Wearhouse art director arranges right before hanging himself.
#5 - Eugene Burger
Hmm… yeah, look, Eugene was a force of nature in magic. But this cover doesn’t say “party.” It says, “I know when you’re going to die.”
Can you imagine Eugene Burger manning one end of a limbo stick? I can’t. I can imagine him as the headmaster of a mysterious monastery where the candles light themselves and everyone speaks in riddles, however.
You don’t look at someone like that and say, “What’s your go-to karaoke number?” You say, “So, when was the last time you made a pact in the woods under a blood moon?”
#4 - Randy Wakeman
So… like… how exactly did Genii Magazine work back in the day? Was Randy Wakeman like, “So when is my cover shoot?” And they were like, “Uhm, we’re a little busy. Is there a Sears Portrait Studio in your area?”
This seriously looks like a senior picture from my older sister’s high school yearbook. In fact, I’m kind of coming around on the idea of partying with Randy. Sure, he looks like a dud here, but so did my sister’s friends in their yearbook photos and those guys were lunatics in real life.
By the way, Genii, could you put a little effort into the cover? What the fuck is this?
That’s it. That’s the whole headline. Not even "Unlocking the Secrets of Flag Magic!" or "Top 10 Patriotic Tricks to Unleash at Your Next BBQ." Just—Flag. Magic. Period. Is that supposed to entice me to buy the magazine?
I like to imagine there was one young intern in the art department who fought for the headline to be “Waving Wonders: The Dazzling World of Flag Magic,” and some ancient Larsen cousin acting as the creative director was like, “Hey, tone it down.”
#3 - Joe Givan
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. This guy looks like a partier. Maybe a little too much. He’s got the 1000-yard stare of a regular ayahuasca user. And not someone who does it on a spiritual retreat, but someone who does it in a mall food court with his Arby’s beef n’ cheddar.
And that hair? That’s the hair of a guy who’s freebased incense off the album sleeve for Joe’s Garage. He’s a good time, no doubt, but he might be a little too intense for me.
#2 - Doc Eason
I think Doc has got a fun-uncle thing going on here. Sure, there’s no excuse for wearing a bowler hat, suspenders, and a bow tie—unless you’re in the unlikely situation of being cast as a flamboyant 19th-century haberdasher in an episode of Quantum Leap. But I like his energy. That’s why he’s #2 on my list.
#1 - Ramon Galindo
Oh, hell yes.
I’ve never heard of this guy before, but I’d definitely be thrilled to spend a crazy weekend with him.
This is the type of guy who rolls up with a bottle of tequila, a deck of marked cards, and the kind of stories that start with: “Back in '74, I accidentally got married.”
Do I want to party with this guy? 10 times out of 10, yes. Lead the way, Amigo.