Me: An Intimate Portrait

This comes from my old blog. I could have sworn I'd reposted it here already, but I can't seem to find it. So maybe I didn't. And since the vast majority of the people who read this site weren't around for the old one, I'm reposting it now so you can truly get a peek into my soul.

From The Magic Circle Jerk, January 9th, 2004

People email me and ask who I am, or if we've ever met. In all honesty there is no reason why anyone should know who I am. But I did want people to get to know who I am (as a person) a little bit more. So I went to a lame website and found one of those lame email questionnaires that people love to send around the first time they ever get an email address. And I filled it out for you, loyal reader. I hope it gives you a better idea of who I am and what I'm all about.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? I live with my grandma in an assisted living facility because it was cheaper than an apartment and I love playing Canasta.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Bible by Jesus H. Christ.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My elbow.

FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Marvin's Magic Game. 2nd Place: Strip Marvin's Magic Game.

FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? 1980's era Genii magazine because I hate quality editing and typesetting and I live my life according to Tripp's Tips. 

FAVOURITE SMELLS? A freshly mowed lawn. Oh, and pussy.

FAVOURITE SOUNDS? Babbling brook. Oh, and babbling pussy.

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Accidentally getting your balls stuck in your asshole and then having to shit real bad but being nowhere near a bathroom and having to clench your ass real tight.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Jeff McBride.

ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? Roller coasters are totally awesome! Was totally awesome a choice? 

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? I never answer before 75 rings, so I don't seem desperate.

FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME? Ms. Darling Q. Princess.

FAVOURITE FOODS? Broccoli stem casserole, broccoli stem stew, and pickled broccoli stems.

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? If we're talking ice cream, it's vanilla. If we're talking cake, it's chocolate. If we're talking bitches, then brother, I likes all kinds.

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Well, let's just say I don't like to not drive not not fast.

DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Well, you could say I do, but there isn't much "sleeping" going on. Know what I mean! (sound of hi-fives all around). 

STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Oh, definitely scary. Because when there is a storm that means God's angry, right? If so, what could ever be "cool" about God being angry?

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? The strong-silent type.

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? I'd meet one person alive. Because if I met a dead person I'd be all like "Oh shit, a ghost!" or "Oh shit! A zombie." Which wouldn't be cool because I gave up swearing for my New Year's resolution. And I'm scared of ghosts (and zombies).

FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Whole milk.

WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Librataurius

DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? No, I'm allergic.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Grammar Host at the Magic Cafe.

EVER BEEN IN LOVE? I loved Crystal Pepsi. But they don't make it anymore.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Well, if it's half full of whole-milk or Crystal Pepsi, I don't care what semantics we use...I'm there! 

FAVOURITE MOVIE: Santa With Muscles

ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY? I'm a multiple amputee.

DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE CORRECT KEYS? Yed. 

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? A dead hooker.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? Hmmm. Let's see. What was it again? Wait. No, hold on, I know I have one. Let's see. Hmmmmmmm. Okay, okay, okay. One. Yup, one. NO, WAIT-- TWO!!! No, I was right the first time. It's one.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FAILING? It's one of two things: The fact that I bite my nails or that I secretly hate black people.

FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Women's naked jumping-jack national championships.

SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. He's got a Huge Cock.

PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND. Hugh Cockman.

PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Pat, that guy's a Huge Cock.