What Women Want

“Sooooo… tell me! How did you meet him? Where did this great love affair begin?” Susan asked.

“Well, it’s a pretty romantic story,” Lana responded, sipping her mimosa and staring wistfully into the distance as she remembered that night.

“It was a rainy night. Not a ‘duck and cover’ type of rain, but a misty drizzle that you could walk in without even carrying an umbrella. It was a rain that didn’t make everything wet, it just made everything shimmer.

“I was at the Tin Owl Cantina, getting a drink after another late evening at work. Roger and I had broken up in late April and I had been doing nothing but going from my bed, to the gym, to the office for weeks. I felt if I didn’t have a spreadsheet or a treadmill in front of me that my mind would spiral into a depression that I might never recover from.

“But for whatever reason, that night I didn’t go directly back to my place. For the first time in a while, the Tin Owl was calling me and I decided I’d stop in for ‘one quick drink’ before heading home. Well, one quick drink turned into two, and that turned into an order of the pulled-pork nachos. And it was at about that time that I was drowning my sorrows in pig and processed cheese sauce that he walked in

“I wouldn’t say he immediately grabbed my attention. It wasn’t like that. I thought he was cute, but not enough so that it would have shaken me out of the funk I was in. He walked right up to me. His confidence made me think he might know me from somewhere, or maybe he thought he knew me from somewhere. I tried to place his face, but couldn’t. I looked him up and down. Decent shoes, jeans that fit well, a short-sleeved button up shirt. Nothing special.

“And then I saw it. Something that would change the course of that evening… and dare I say, the course of my life. Dangling from a cord on his neck was something that would at first pique my interest, and later win my heart. What was it? Nothing more or less than a little plastic bear trap that he did a magic trick with.”

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming novel. And just so it’s clear to everyone, this is a work of SCIENCE FICTION.

There is a new trick on the market called Fast Fingers. It’s a little plastic bear trap that you grab stuff out of without getting caught. (But also, in the demo, they show the magician putting his finger right in the trap and it closing on him and it seems completely painless. So there isn’t a real sense of stakes with this trick. It’s more just a goof.)

I don’t have any issue with the prop in and of itself. I do have an issue with the suggested presentation—that you should wear this plastic bear trap as a necklace and then pull it off to do a trick where you ask a woman to write down her phone number and then you place part of the phone number in the trap and if you snatch it away you get to keep her phone number. The implication being that this would be a good way to get someone’s phone number via a magic trick. Please. For your sake. Don’t.

First off, any trick that is designed to “get a girl’s number” is worse than just asking a girl for her number. It just makes you look spineless.

Walking around with this trick hanging off your neck ain’t a hot look, chief. In fact, if you’re trying to pick up a woman you’d be better off just saying, “I have Fast Fingers,” and then making it abundantly clear that you’re not talking about the plastic magic trick.

Now, I realize I’m only talking to a small subset of my readers here. I can’t imagine there are too many of you thinking, “Yeah, that does sound like a good way to flirt with a girl and get her number.” But there are enough people who potentially feel this way that they thought this was a good angle to use in the presentation of this trick. I want to assure my younger male readers that this sentence has never been spoken or even thought before in the history of mankind, “My… who is that man with the little plastic bear trap on his necklace. I hope he asks me for my number!”

Here is some genuine advice I have for guys looking to pick up women. I dedicate this to my younger readers with school and college starting back up. This advice doesn’t require you to be handsome, funny, or intelligent. This is something anyone can do. This is my basic beginner’s advice. It won’t help you nab a 9 if you’re a 5; you’re going to have to go beyond the basics to do that. But it will help you—at the very least—meet and connect with people and not turn off people to you from the jump.

This is not the advice I would give to someone looking to get laid tonight. This is foundational advice to help you meet people in everyday circumstances: at class, at work, at your dorm, in public, etc.

When it comes to interacting with women, there is a tendency for guys to think, “I need to make a strong impression. I need to be funny and charming. I need to do something to stand out.” This is, I think, the wrong thing to be focusing on.

In order of importance, here are the three qualities you want to exude when meeting someone new who you think you might have an interest in…

Normal - This is your first hurdle to get over. You want to come across as a normal dude. Not a weirdo or a creep. Not overbearing. Not someone who is invading their space. Not someone who needs to be the center of attention. Not someone who is clearly forcing a conversation with someone or using some canned lines.

Positive - Exude a positive energy. Try to tap into the optimistic and enthusiastic part of yourself. Have things that you’re excited about and looking forward to. You don’t need to be bubbly and giddy. Just don’t be a bummer.

If you have average looks, average intelligence, and average sense of humor, but you come across as normal and positive, you will be ahead of at least 80% of the crowd.

The final trait you should cultivate is…

Mysterious - Normal and positive gets you through the door. Mysterious keeps people intrigued. You don’t need to stand in a corner and brood. Just keep some things to yourself. Don’t be a completely open book. Don’t post all your thoughts on social media. Listen more than you talk.

I’m just trying to point you in the right direction here. In a blog post I can’t give you a step-by-step guide on how to be normal, positive and mysterious. When I write a book on social interaction, I’ll go into more detail.

For now just realize that these three traits are going to do much more for you than a colorful hat, canned story, or plastic bear trap ever will.