Sunday Flashback

While reorganizing and moving some stuff out of storage recently, I came across a bunch of old school work. Not, like, math homework—but stories, poems, and movies that I had made for school. I figured it might be mildly amusing to see some of the earlier exhibitions of the stupidity that would one day blossom on this site.

I found a couple dozen of these poems that I had written for an English class when I was 12 or 13. The style of poetry I was drawn to I would describe as “Shel Silverstein dealing with the late stage repercussions of a brain eating parasite.” As with all the finest poetry, it will really pull on your heartstrings and make you think.

It’s called…

A Woeful Ditty of Love and Sadness

There once was a boy named Jim Paladin
And everyone made fun of him
Not because he was short or fat or dim
But because he had no nose

He couldn’t smell the exhaust from passing cars
Or get a whiff of liquor when walking near bars
Or enjoy the aroma of fine cuban cigars
Because Jim had no nose

And everyone would stop and stare
And laugh and point and scream and glare
And say to themselves, “My, isn’t that rare.”
All because Jim had no nose

One day Jim had an evil feeling in his heart
And he bent over (ripping his pants apart)
And then he let out the most enormous fart
Which people smelled with their noses

And the fart-laden air filled the lungs of his foes
And they collapsed dead to the ground, so the story goes
And then their bodies began to decompose
Which didn’t bother Jim because he had no nose