While We Were Out
/Here are a few of the things that happened during the July recess.
A reporter from the New York Times reached out to me…
She somehow stumbled over the GLOMM site and sent me an email asking if I had any insight into a story she’s doing on prisoners who “use magic as a way to cope with a difficult situation, and some of the challenges that there are for incarcerated magicians.”
Given that The GLOMM tracks magicians who, primarily, have used magic as a pretext to get close to children for the purposes of taking advantage of them, I had the feeling that whatever information I could give her wouldn’t really help her feel-good article. I think she wanted to hear something like, “These poor bastards can’t get a quality close-up mat! They have to weave one out of whatever toilet paper they can sneak out of the bathroom over the course of 18 to 24 months.”
Really though, what was I going to say? “Yes, my understanding is life on the inside is very hard for these gentlemen. They got into magic to be near the taut, tight buttocks of the young. Not the sloppy, baggy rectum of a grizzled lifer. Pray for them.”
My actual response to her was this:
The only thing I know about magicians in prison is that I keep track of the ones who are there for diddling the birthday boy and things like that. I don't think those people were in it so much for the "love of the art" but more so for the proximity it put them to pre-teens who might be easily convinced about the importance of "keeping a secret." So I don't really have anything that will help with your story.
I don’t expect to be quoted.
I got pump-faked by a magic ad…
A reader forwarded me an email from Mystique Factory advertising a Jewerly Box Prediction. Not jewelry. Jewer-ly.
I was willing to cut them some slack on that. It’s an easy word to misspell.
But I did get intrigued by the idea of this product. What was the jewelry box prediction? I could see some interesting possibilities.
Maybe it’s one of those jewelry boxes that plays music, with the spinning ballerina. And when you open it, it plays the song they’re thinking of. Even if their song choices were limited in some way, that could still be very strong. The tinkle of a music box is such a unique and evocative sound.
Or what if the spectator “built” a piece of jewelry in their mind. They decided on the type of jewelry, the metal used, the type of stones and how many there were. Then, in the end, they slide open the jewelry box and inside is just one thing: the piece of jewelry they just created.
Even if the attributes of the jewelry were on cards and you just had a routine to force a specific “random” grouping of the cards—that wouldn’t be as great as them just thinking of something—but it would still be kind of cool. Especially if the selections lead to some weird combination of elements and that’s the exact thing in the box.
“Okay, let’s see what cards you picked, So it’s a bracelet… made of copper… with one pink crystal… three black crystals… and a seahorse charm. I know that sounds… kind of hideous actually. But that was exactly my great-great grandmother’s prized possession.” They open the box and find it in there. And you let them keep it, of course. A truly memorable, quirky souvenir with a great little story behind it for them.
These thoughts come to me in the two seconds it takes me to scroll down the email and I’m actually kind of enthused to see what this “jewelry box prediction” consists of.
Only to see this…
Right, right. Of course. Silly me for forgetting how fucking stupid magic is and expecting this to look like anything other than a magic prop.
Ellusionist got weird…
Ellusionist sent out this email a few days ago…
We won't keep you long. This is just a quick reminder to let you know, without intent or irony...
YOU
ARE
AWESOME
Why are we sending this email?
We text this same message to our friends in the Ellusionist SMS group earlier today and people really appreciated the reminder... So we're more than happy to remind you of your awesomeness too.
Then they provided a few screenshots of how well this went over in their SMS group.
I like to picture that guy: tears streaming down his face, barrel of a gun in his mouth. <DING> Okay… let me read this one final SMS message. What? I’m awesome? Thanks, Ellusionist! That means so much!
Listen, if you get any validation whatsoever from a generic message sent en masse by a corporation there is something wrong with you. That’s not healthy. Seek help.
C’mon, man. You’re not going to fall for that, are you? A big, strong, smart guy, like you? You don’t need Ellusionist to tell you you’re special. I mean, you’re so smart and cool! And everyone likes you.
See how fucking stupid that is?
I do appreciate how honest Ellusionist was in the email though.
They tell you they’re sending the message to you “without intent.”
Intent
Definition: purpose, meaning, significance
I agree. Generic praise from people you don’t know doesn’t have any purpose, meaning, or significance.
I truly hope that someone at Ellusionist just made up those responses for the sake of the email. That’s the only possibility that doesn’t depress me. I don’t like to imagine there are people out there whose sense of self-worth is so low that they’re like, “Hey! Great news. The company that I bought the Fiddle Stick from thinks I’m awesome. (As well as every other person on their mailing list.) So long, suicidal ideation!”
The only acceptable response to that SMS is this:
